


In the Quiet

by hmweasley



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Banned Together Bingo, Catholic Alec Lightwood, Catholicism, Hunter's Moon Discord's HM500 Event, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, New Age Magnus Bane, New Age Religions, Pre-Relationship, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25783462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/pseuds/hmweasley
Summary: Alec used to love being alone with his thoughts and God, but when his thoughts grew confusing and scary, things changed.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020, Hunter's Moon 500 Prompts





	In the Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts:  
> HM500 - quiet  
> Banned Together Bingo - New Age Religions

Alec’s own thoughts were the only thing he could hear in the quiet church. While he’d grown up loving Sunday mass and the music reverberating through the building, he’d always had an extra special place in his heart for the quiet moments when he snuck into the church by himself and just talked to God.

It had been years since he’d last done it. When he’d started uncovering new parts of himself, being alone had become distressing, and it wasn’t long before he was avoiding church except for the mandatory Sundays.

When he was alone, his thoughts did terrible things.

He tried to force himself through the Hail Mary, a rosary bead pinched between his thumb and index finger, his brain wanted to think of other things.

“I don’t get it.”

Alec could easily imagine the look on Magnus’ face as he’d said it. They’d been in the library working on a project. Alec had been horrified to learn that he’d been paired with Magnus Bane, the boy who regularly invaded his thoughts during the quiet moments. Magnus wasn’t just gorgeous; he also had a completely different outlook on life. One that scared Alec to bits.

He belonged to one of those New Age churches which Alec’s mom swore were worse than atheists.

“Get what?” Alec had questioned, dread filling the pit of his stomach.

“Your church has all these rules.” He waved his hand chaotically through the air. “Why don’t you trust yourself to know what’s right for you?”

Alec blinked back. The idea was absurd.

“Because I’m a flawed human. Only God can know everything, including everything that’s right.”

Magnus had outright scoffed, and Alec had felt a surge of protectiveness for the religion that he had been struggling to still believe in for years. He couldn’t let Magnus shatter what little faith he still had in it.

The look on Magnus’ face had been one of such pity that Alec had wanted to snap, but he couldn’t. There wasn’t enough left in him for that.

Magnus slid a brochure across the table, and Alec’s stomach twisted into knots.

“You should come,” Magnus said, motioning at the name of the organization across the top. “We would welcome you, and we wouldn’t make you feel guilty for things outside of your control.”

Alec had stared at the building pictured on the brochure, a building that looked so different from the cathedral he’d grown up attending. He could still picture it in his mind’s eye as he stared up at the crucifix that had kept a constant watch over his childhood.

Once, at the age of thirteen, Alec had read the entire catechism front to back. He hadn’t had a good reason for it when Jace had questioned him, but he realized now that it had been a call for stability when everything happening inside had been confusing and scary.

And Magnus wanted him to… What? Embrace that?

Alec wasn’t sure he could do that.

The quiet was too much.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://forensicsisabelle.tumblr.com)!


End file.
